I have had some loud roommates before, but their level of obtrusion is never so apparent to me as when I am involuntarily waking from a nap:
The sound of her heels crashing upon the hardwood floor is as loud as a mother antelope rushing home to get the KFC on the table for the kids.
The sound of her voice is as if an aproned housewife is standing at the threshold, screen door half open, yelling "HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY."
The doors slam. All of them in the house at once. How does this even happen? It's as if our house has become the set of that last scene in Grease, where Danny and Sandy prance around the "Shake Shack" singing to one another, "You're the one that I want." The only difference is that if my roommate had on black leather and was singing seductively, I would not dance lustily after her but would rather fashion a bayonet out of my possessions and yield it against her. Several times.
Stomping. Slamming. Smashing. Crashing. How could one human being be so impossibly loud? It's as if SNL is filming a comedy sketch, EXCEPT IT IS REAL LIFE, AND I AM THE ONE LIVING IT.
The only way one can defend oneself against the galloping antelopes and screaming housewives is to grumble. Cuss unabashedly. Listen to Sigur Ros on pandora as loudly as possible. Tell God you'll stop sinning if he'll just make the antelope-footed roommate wear slippers.
God doesn't usually answer curse filled prayers with a pair of slippers, though, which is probably an indication that it's time to get up from my nap.
Funny, only because it isn't happening to me.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered a nice air purifier or other noise-making device to set up next to your bed? Mine even blocks out the construction outside my window and noisy boy (in heels?) upstairs. I'm here to help you solve all of life's problems.
ReplyDeleteEar plus help muffle the noise too. Use 'em every night. Not noise-canceling, but noise-reducing.
ReplyDeleteSorry your roommate sucks.
I live in the basement of a 95-year-old house with wood floors and stairs, all of which creak. There is no ceiling or insulation between me and the wood floor above, only the water and sewage pipes that run below (all of which are spray-painted cobalt blue). My roommates and I have more square-footage to ourselves, but I too have woken to the sound of heels.
ReplyDeleteMan, that sounds like a disaster. You see, I almost always walk on my tiptoes. It's just what I do normally. I think everybody should employ this means of walking.
ReplyDelete