I have something that I need to tell you.
I need to tell you what going to church is like for an introvert.
Going to church is terrible.
I need to tell you this, (extroverted) ministers and future ministers, because of this state of affairs, I find you disastrously unaware.
I will now demonstrate this truth with an anecdote:
Last year, one of "your kind," with what I found to be utmost insensitivity, said to me: "Sara, it's not that hard to go to church."
I was appalled. APPALLED. "Has he ever been in a church parking lot?" I thought, indignantly. "Has he ever passed the peace?"
"Clearly this man (and of course he is a man) knows nothing of the extreme anguish that church attendance produces inside of me. And if he knows nothing of my acute distress, then he clearly knows nothing of the acute distress of the entire world. And if he knows not of the acute distress of the entire world, then he ought not be a minister of the Word of our God and Savior Jesus Christ. It is settled," I thought. "This man is not equipped for ministry."
Allow me to clarify for you, ministers and future ministers, what this extreme anguish is like. For ease of imagery, I will play the role of the distressed parishioner in the following scenarios:
Scenario #1: "The parking lot"
Perhaps unbeknownst to you, ministers and future ministers, navigating the church parking lot is one of the most harrowing experiences an introverted church visitor can have.
"What if I turn wrongly into the church parking lot, indicating to everyone that I am a visitor who knows nothing of the story of redemption?"
"How am I to greet the nice-looking couples I walk by in the parking lot? Am I to greet them with a holy kiss, as Paul instructed? Must I say something trite and bouncy, like: "Grace and peace, brothers and sisters!"? Do I shake hands? Hug? Elbow-bump? For the love of everything that is good and holy, can't I just pretend to text?!?"
"What door do I go in? Oh dear God, what door do I go in? God, show me the damn door that I'm supposed to go in!"
To be sure, a visiting introvert's experience in the church parking lot before the service has begun is 100x less distressing than her experience after the service.
After the service, otherwise reserved churchgoers spill into the parking lot, all jacked up on grace and Eucharistic elements, eager to pounce on any newcomer they see and force them to feel welcome.
"I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU CAME. WE WELCOME YOU. I HOPE THAT YOU FEEL SUFFICIENTLY WELCOMED. PLEASE COME BACK TO OUR WELCOMING CHURCH."
Ministers and future ministers, I want you to know that introverts leave encounters such as these, panting and groaning anxiously, for a full 3-5 minutes. The experience alone is enough to prompt someone to order one of these: http://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Bible-4-oz-Flask/dp/B001T3YC2E
Suffice it to say, the church parking lot is an introvert's hell. It is one of the foremost obstacles that introverts face in trying to get themselves to church. This is something that I want you to be aware of, ministers and future ministers, for your present or future ministry.
Scenario #2: "Pew selection"
Once the visiting introvert has braved the horrors of the parking lot, she then faces the equally horrifying horrors of the "greeters' spirit tunnel" and then, the horror of all horrors, the moment of pew selection.
Ministers and future ministers, I will have you know that walking through the tunnel of forced Christian hospitality upon entering the church doors is, emphatically, not a good time. This is especially true for young-looking female introverts who attend church without male companions. Truly, for the single introvert, church is inordinately harrowing because churchgoers, suffice it to say, have absolutely no idea how to talk to young, single females who are joining them for worship. Typically, their response it to think silently, "Hmmm, I wonder how this nice, 15-year old lesbian found our church?" The introvert finds this to be stressful. Ministers and future ministers, perhaps you could train your parishioners to accept and embrace singlehood in the church and to not assume that all single females are lesbians.
Having received her bulletin, the introvert is once more overcome with extreme anguish, because she now faces the horror of all horrors: pew selection.
I will demonstrate this extreme anguish with another anecdote:
Earlier this year, when attending a new church, I decided to make my pew selection choice with confidence. This, as it turned out, was a terrible decision. I had just sat down, confidently, and had just confidently given a faint-smiling-head-bob to the young, blonde woman next to me when she turned to her spouse and began frantically whispering. They deliberated--I could feel them deliberating--and then they pew-shuffled 6 feet away from me. "Oh God," I thought frantically, "am I supposed to pew-shuffle with them? Maybe they could tell that I couldn't really see over the head of that tall man ahead of me." It was the worst 5 seconds of my life. Upon confidently giving the woman the faint-smiling-head-bob, I had envisioned myself, 4 weeks later, sitting jubilantly on this beautiful couple's sofa, nursing a hot toddy and playing a rousing game of Cranium. Now, however, it couldn't be more clear that I was being rejected. Another adorable couple appeared at the side of the pew. They wanted to sit by the first adorable couple. I was in their spot. I had broken the rules of church visitor pew selection.
Ministers and future ministers, pew selection is right up there with the parking lot in terms of fostering anguish. The introvert must decide not only where she is allowed to sit, but she must also apply great strategy to her decision so that she will have easy access to the sanctuary doors, come the moment of the benediction (more on this next week). The anguish of pew selection is one more obstacle introverts face in trying to get themselves to church. I think it necessary for you to know this for your ministry, ministers and future ministers.
Going to church is ridiculously hard for introverts, and I haven't even begun to describe what happens when the service actually begins and when it ends. Next week, ministers and future ministers, I will take up Scenario #3: Passing the Peace and Scenario #4: The Fellowship Hall. Sweet Jesus, the horrors of the fellowship hall...
I am glad we have begun to communicate about this, extroverted ministers and future ministers, and I hope to find you next week to be more sensitive to this state of affairs.
Best,
An Introverted Churchgoer
Is this why I haven't chosen a new church yet?
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I are still looking for a church in St Andrews. We find church-going difficult as well. It's certainly easier going as a couple since we can whisper to each other in the fellowship hall whilst swiftly downing our tea instead of standing awkwardly by the cookies, trying to look busy deciding whether we should try a butter cookie or a chocolate chip.
ReplyDeleteHave you seen the bbc tv show 'Rev'? I think you would like it. I also think you would like the vicar. It is hilarious and profound. Like you. This post reminds me of it for some reason.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it struck me that your writing reminds me of Anne Lamott...only more explicitly Christian. For what it is worth.
funny thing is, I feel these same anxieties as an extrovert. perhaps its the fact that I'm entering a situation where everyone else already knows each other? I'm the only one who is having to go out of my comfort zone?
ReplyDeleteAlso, my experience last spring break with my youth group attending a church on Easter morning was...intense to say the least. The entire youth group and leaders continued to reference the people there, particularly one woman who literally forced us to yell "Jesus is risen" with her as we entered the church. It was all quite overwhelming, even for an extrovert.
All this to say, I promise to pay attention to the introverts.
So you're not a lesbian?
ReplyDeleteJust so you know, I laughed out loud at least three times while reading this.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the compliment above [which I'm jealous of]--- it does sound a bit Lamott-ish. Well done.
This doesn't sound as "introverted" as it does "hysterical." The fault of the church does not lie in the fact that many christians are extroverts, nor in the fact that most professing christians betray their so-called faith on a regular basis by behaving exactly like the selfish, small-minded, brainwashed, deluded, pathetic, hypocritical creatures they are; the fault of the church has a much deeper causality, a causality that an introvert intent on its discovery and exposure would be much more justified to speak of than he or she would be to complain about this type of trivial injustice of exclusion and discrimination. You complain about the brazen patronization of the church when in fact your main complaint is that they see fit to patronize you, that their circle has no room for you as you are, and that thus your attempted integration with the mob is belayed by your own discomfort. Your answer is apparently for them to expand their tolerance by means of empathy so that you can find a place among them, be comfortable in their midst. There is no concern given here to the actual problem of the church, to the fact that the church has rotted for ages from the inside out, ever since the death of the god they saw fit to appoint as the heart of their body. As one introvert to another I say this: Gangrene is the reason you struggle with going to church. You are exposing yourself to a toxic, noxious substance, and not only that, you are attempting to graft yourself, alive and whole, with a body that is dead and putrid. No wonder that it repulses you so much. No wonder that you suffer. Wake up; walk away. You don't need it and you never will.
ReplyDeleteDo I know you?
ReplyDeleteNot to my knowledge.
ReplyDeleteThen I think your username sums this up well.
ReplyDeleteOh I love being an introvert who's married to an extrovert who happens to work at our church full of extroverted senior citizens.
ReplyDeleteWe must be at church for coffee hour. And husband must use coffee hour to socialize and schmooze and doesn't understand why this is difficult/deathly terrifying for me. After weeks of spending coffee hour in his office checking Facebook and doing homework and literally crying because I hated being such an outsider, I decided to attend coffee hour by my brave little self. It was worse than the first day of high school when it was raining and the bus was late and I walked into the school-wide assembly 15 minutes late, dripping wet, and mortified that everyone now knew I rode the bus.
Now I sit by the same old ladies every week--Shirley and Elloween. Sometimes they say terrible politically incorrect things and give their armchair opinions on psychology. Often they talk about the disrepair of their bodies. Some people don't even know I'm married to Christopher. They think I'm 14. And when they do find out that we're married they ask if I "stay home." There's one particular woman who teaches a "brain fitness" class at her retirement community and yet still forgets who I am every week. Needless to say, I don't think we'll be playing Cranium any time soon.
Oh man. This made me laugh out loud many times. Now here's something that causes me angst. Once the introvert is somewhat settled in a church, how can she (or he) reach out to others in a non-threatening and genuine way? This is a question in all my settings, not just church...
ReplyDeleteI wanted to make something else clear, just to avert misconstruction of my former post. That is, it was not my intent to attack you or your character, this being something I would never do without personal knowledge of each; rather, what I primarily wished to make an argument against was the apparent foolishness of your post and what I would interpret as the naivete originating it. Your own scriptures hail the virtues of wisdom, and wisdom is the antithesis of foolishness, just as discernment is the antithesis of naivete. In my experience, many christians make a habit of dealing with very serious problems within their belief system with an exceptional degree of frivolity—a fact that to my mind represents a severe betrayal of their own doctrines. The fact that you and others actually find the problems you speak of here to be humorous is, I believe, sufficient evidence toward my point. To elaborate, if I may play the “devil's advocate” for a moment and speak as though I were a christian myself; if the hypocrisy, condescension, patronization, insensitivity, and even outright bigotry that you experience in church causes you so much discomfort, imagine how many others it must turn away entirely, how many lives are lost to eternal damnation because they come to church and experience rather than the blessing of communion with redeemed, sanctified, holy, and upright children of god, the curse of miserable interaction with people who are obviously unaffected by their so-called salvation. The gravity of the situation is apparent; and it is honestly infuriating to me, even as an atheist, to witness christians as they laugh it off as though it were of no consequence. If you truly believe that the body of christ is the light of the world, the living and breathing representation on earth of the power of god to redeem and sanctify; if you truly believe that it is by this influence that the world shall hear of the saving gospel of Jesus and that salvation shall be brought to the masses—how could you possibly laugh as millions perhaps are led to reject the saving grace of christ out of sheer affront at the deplorable conduct of the church? I fail entirely to see how you could justify such a reaction. The situation reminds me of John 2:14-17; it is zeal for the house of the lord that is lacking here. In the end, I don't care if you agree with my own personal conclusion of the problems of the church; I happen to know a few devout christians that hold my utmost respect; but when I see someone who reads a post like this and then says that it made them “laugh out loud”; that sickens me! Take your own doctrines seriously, take problems within your system seriously; or call yourselves spiritualists, or church-goers, but not christians—do any of that and you will never hear me complain; but attempt to lay claim to something you are not and I will be offended, as will many others. History will teach you that devout christians have in ages past been known as serious and driven men and women of god, individuals who sacrificed their lives, who endured persecution, torture, and even genocide just so that they could live lives that evidenced the transformation of the redemption of christ. You suffer none of those things and yet you still cannot commit to living such a life, or to exhorting those around you to live such lives, and it shows, in your churches and out of them, it shows. If you don't choose to turn away from it altogether, then I would at least encourage you to attempt to affect change within your church.
ReplyDeletehere's the book i just mentioned to you: http://tinyurl.com/28wdjtc
ReplyDeleteDear finite empathy,
ReplyDeleteI know that you are waiting for my response. The reason that I have not provided one yet is because I think you bring up some good points, and I want to provide a meaningful answer. However, it's currently more important for me to craft careful sentences for my work as a graduate student who is heading into the thick of finals than it is to craft a meaningful blog comment. All that is to say, please be assured that I will be responding, but because I want to take the time to respond purposefully rather than dashing off a response, please know that my response will be delayed.
As a foretaste, let me say that I do appreciate your engagement with my writing.
Best,
Sara
That's quite understandable, and I in turn appreciate your concern.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck in your finals by the way. I know how harrowing an effort that can be.
Sara,
ReplyDeleteThis post blessed my soul. Again, you have to be my pastor at some point. And, as a secret introvert, I feel you so much on this. I actually hate Susan Jones and Paige Martin even though they are great people, simply because they keep making me have to meet a new church full of happy, smiley people who are obsessed with having me over for social events and making awkward small-talk in the torture device known as the receiving line.
- Ray Speller